Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Can't Shake the Feeling

I had a crazy, horrible dream this morning and I just can't shake it from my system. I even woke up for a while then went back to the dream. Blah. I feel jittery and yucky and emotionally drained this morning.

The dream was about The Hubble. Losing him.

The first dream I found out somehow on the phone that he was dead (the details are a bit fuzzy on how this happened but you know dreams). I had been told this news and had been crying for an entire day and trying to still go through my life and do the things I was supposed to do. The next day, I was a bit better, then the official news came. A man came to my door with a note, kind of like they did in the old days. My mom and older sister opened the door and my older sister received the note and started crying and saying "no, no!" Then I grabbed the note and sat on the floor to wait for the FRG reinforcements to arrive (which all the briefings I've gone to says this is supposed to happen).

That's when The Hubble woke me up to kiss me goodbye before he took off for PT. I felt his face and his shoulders. I could hardly believe he was still here. I hugged him as tightly as I could and he asked if I was okay. I told him I had a bad dream and he told me I was okay. I told him that I was happy he was okay.

Okay, things are good. He leaves for work, I go back to sleep (it was 5am and there's no way I was getting up then!!).

I guess I went back to the dream. This time, I was refusing to believe he was gone. I kept getting things that made me think he was still alive. I received a letter from him in the mail. I was at a book store and someone official looking brought me another note, but it was from The Hubble. I kept denying that he could be gone. Then I received his things in the mail. As in true weird dreamy fashion, all of his things were just stuffed in the mailbox. No box or anything. And it was the type of mailbox we had in Ft. Lewis that connected from the outside to the inside of the house through the wall. As I was pulling out PT pants and shirts I was on the phone with my older sister (in this dream she had no idea since I hadn't told her since I didn't believe it). I was telling her that this must mean he's really gone. Then I knew. I pulled his shaving kit out of the mailbox. I looked inside and his wallet with his license and ID card was there. I started screaming and crying hysterically. The ugly cry. The one where you can't breathe. This is when I woke up for good.

I feel bad about posting this. There's a blog I know of where the girl recently lost her hubby and she's really going through this. She posted recently and she's on my mind a lot, which could be why I had this dream.

People deal with the reality of this situation all the time. I've known a couple people who have had to go through this. Mine was just a dream. Get over it. I just can't shake it you know?? I needed to put it somewhere. It felt so real. It took everything I had, all my energy, my emotions. I'm exhausted.

I hope and pray that this dream will never come to fruition. But I know I don't really have any say over this.

I hope Little Butt had better dreams than mommy did....

Do you ever have dreams that feel so real that you  have trouble getting back to "reality"??

Are they ever good or usually pretty craptastic?
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