Sunday, April 1, 2012

I'm Sick and Tired

Of being sick and tired.

I feel like my motivation to do anything for me is completely gone lately.

I seriously don't know what my problem is.

I have this HUGE mental block right now and I'm fighting so hard to move past it.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and paranoia where my father is concerned.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I can't figure out how to right myself again.

Where is this toxicity coming from? Have I lost my SELF again? If so, where? Why?

I feel tired. All the time.

I don't want to clean. I don't want to bake. I don't want to blog. I don't want to do anything really.

I signed up for personal training sessions recently. I had a mini session on Saturday with her. I said the word "can't" through the entire thing. I can't do that. I can't do that. Are you crazy? I can't do that?

The only thing I have going for me is that even though I said "I can't," I did it anyway.

I feel as though I'm floating along, looking for solid ground. Reaching out for something to keep me grounded. Something to hold onto. Something to keep me from floating away. From drowning.

I can't find my spark. My fire. My passion.

I feel numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I just went back through this and highlighted all the times I used the word "feel." I guess that's a reminder that I do FEEL. I just don't like the things I'm feeling?