Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Love, Love, Love

April 2007

(First off...you have to sing the title of this post. You know...The Beatles?? Hello!)

(Secondly...sorry this post is so long. But when you're pouring out your heart...that tends to happen)

Today I want to talk about love.

I know...I'm late on the love train...but whatever.

I can talk about love any ol' time I want. It doesn't have to be on one specific day...but let's not get me started about that.

I want to talk about how sometimes, love doesn't come as easily as you think it should.

I'm not going to talk about The Hubble actually. Even though we had a VERY rough first year and loving each other was pretty difficult at first.

No. I want to talk about something that a lot of people won't talk about.

What happens when you don't love your child right away??

Let me back up a bit.

The Hubble and I got married in 2002. He commissioned in the Army in 2003 then went to Officer Basic Course (OBC). After he got back, we moved to Upstate NY.

The Hubble and I were both young when we had a lot put on our plates. I was 17 years old when I had to play mom to 3 small children. And he was the oldest with pretty restrictive parents.

So when we got to NY it was game on.

We found freedom.

We grew as individuals.

We grew as a couple.

We would go clubbing in Rochester (an hour and a half away from home) on the weekends.

We would take long weekends in Boston or NYC.

We were having the time of our lives.

Then The Hubble deployed in early 2006.

He ended up being sent home early (after only 4 months) to take on Rear Detachment (unfortunately, the Rear-D Commander's hubby was killed in Iraq. So naturally, she couldn't do that job anymore).

When The Hubble was gone, I decided to get healthy. I was eating right. I was exercising. I was going to the doctor.

See...we had been married for 4 1/2 years by the time he got back, hadn't been on birth control since before we got married and we hadn't gotten pregnant. So I was having tests done to see if I even could get pregnant.

I had an appointment to get blood work done and see a specialist on Tuesday morning at 11:00am.

The Saturday before, The Hubble and I were talking about it. I told him that if we found out I had the option of getting pregnant, I wanted to go on birth control to try to prevent it. He agreed. We were living our lives and we were really happy doing so.

We went out to Rochester to our favorite club that night and had a blast over the weekend.

Monday morning, I went to my manager's meeting and was talking to some friends afterward. I told them I was waiting for my girlie time to start. I'd been feeling crampy but it just wouldn't come. A friend of mine told me that's the beginning signs of pregnancy.

I blew her off.

I was working the split shift that day so I went home and did my thing. I was about to do my workout before I got ready to go back to work to close and I decided "what the Hell" and I peed on a stick and walked away.

After I got dressed for my workout I walked back in the bathroom, picked up the stick, said "FUCK!" and immediately started crying.

This was not what we wanted!

How could it be positive???

The next 9 months were really hard for me.

See...I don't have the best memories of childhood. Actually, I don't have any at all. But what I do have made me very scared to have a child.

There was no way I would succeed. I would screw up the kid. I would make the kid hate me. This would not end well.

I wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy.

I wouldn't talk about it. I wouldn't really acknowledge it. I didn't read about it. I didn't go to classes. I asked the doctor if they could knock me out and just take it out when it was time because I didn't want anything to do with it.

I put on a happy face for the outside world, but inside I was having dreams (literally) of abandoning the child to be raised by someone who would do a better job than me.

But, I figured this was my mess and I had to deal with it. So that's what I did. I just struggled to make it through the pregnancy.

Then I had her.

Most people, when they first have a child, want to do nothing but hold and cuddle the baby. I didn't want to hold her.

In fact, people who visited thought they shouldn't ask to hold her because they didn't want to take that time for me. I made them hold her.

It wasn't until a few days later...Little Butt was in the bassinet sleeping. I turned to my mom-in-law and asked if I could hold her. Or maybe I shouldn't wake her up?? I didn't know what to do but I was filled with an overwhelming need to hold my baby.

My mom-in-law put her in my arms. I looked down into her tiny face and I said "I can do this."

The first couple years were tough. We moved away from my job and my friends in Syracuse to be closer to post. We now lived an hour and a half away from everyone and everything I knew to a town so little we couldn't even get pizza delivered out there.

The Hubble took command of a Company and he was never home. So Little Butt and I were on our own.

Then we moved to Texas and The Hubble deployed. Little Butt and I were still on our own.

We are figuring things out together...one day at a time.

There is no one in this world that I love more than I love that little girl. She is my entire world.

She is awesome and amazes me every single day.

And because she is so awesome...The Hubble and I decided several months ago to go off birth control and see what would happen. We weren't trying, but we weren't trying not to get pregnant.

And here we are. I'm 13 weeks pregnant.

This time is so different. I know I can do this.

I also know that I have my partner in crime, my beautiful Little Butt.

She inspires me constantly. With her by my side I know we can conquer the world.

Or, at least, she will conquer the world and I will be standing in her corner.

And I know that my little family can make Baby N just as awesome.

I mean, with a big sister like Little Butt, how can anything go wrong??

January 2011 (she's making the 'metal' sign, btw)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Have You Noticed??

What a slacker I've been?? LOL!!


Oh...that's because you don't live with me.

So you haven't noticed how I let my dishes pile up until we can't see the sink anymore.

You also haven't noticed how I haven't been cooking/baking as much as before vacation.

About that...did you know I have a food blog? No? I keep having people from this page find me and saying "I didn't know you had a food blog!" Well. I'm here to tell you...I do. It's called Jolts & Jollies. I share recipes of all kinds over there. So...if you are hungry...go check it out!

By the way...this is probably going to be a pretty random post.

Okay...back to my slackerdom.

Have you heard of that site 'texts from last night'? Well...here's my version:

Conversations from last night:

The Hubble: Is it already the 9th??

Me: Yes.

The Hubble: We have been home for a month already.

Me: Oh yeah?

The Hubble: Your suitcase is still sitting here unpacked.

Me: Oh.

Luckily, I have the best Hubble in the world. I walked into the room (with no intention whatsoever of unpacking my suitcase) and found that the suitcase was gone! The Hubble asked me if I noticed anything missing.

Me: Yes dear. Thanks for taking care of that for me.

What a doll!

I think my problem is the cold. We went from warm, sunny, beautiful Texas to negative degree weather. We've been snowed in for a week and a half (off and on...but I'm being dramatic here).

I keep missing my workouts so my body isn't stimulated (don't be dirty).

I've been reading crap so my mind isn't stimulated.

Little Butt and I have been stuck in the house together...and we are getting on each other's nerves.

I'm so ready to move! I don't want to be in the middle of nowhere anymore. I'm done.

We did drag ourselves out of the house this past Saturday though.

Little Butt was invited to a birthday party. It was a pool party. She seriously had THE BEST time swimming. Her and The Hubble stayed in the pool for hours. I'm thinking her party is going to have to be at this place. Too bad she will only have a couple friends here by then.

But I don't think she'll notice since she'll be swimming...so no worries there.

After the pool party, we came home and made a snowman! Kinda...

Things started well. I didn't think I had ever made a snowman before. But I quickly figured it out.

Little Butt was a big help in gathering...

And shaping the snow.

When it got too big mommy had to roll it. Thanks for the awesomely horrible picture of me babe!

Then it was time to put daddy to work!

We used almonds for the eyes. Daddy went and found the arms...can you tell?

The nose was a hazelnut (yes I was using my container of mixed nuts...what of it??) and the mouth was chocolate chips.

Isn't he cute???

By then...I'm gonna take a chance and say Little Butt was done!

Except we can let her go in without giving us a smile! Goofball!

We felt very accomplished, and tired, after that so we went inside.

The little snowman started to melt after a few days and he just got skinnier and skinnier.

Then it snowed again.


What about you? Is there snow where you are? Are you enjoying it or hoping beyond hope that it will go away quickly??

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

So Many Books...So Little Time

Photo by jinterwas

If you have been around this blog for a while...you know I'm a reader.

And if you are new around here. Hey! Guess what?? I'm a HUGE reader! 

Like...I have a 3/4 sleeve tattoo of books. 

Yes, it's that bad.

And yes...I still know that I need to post pictures.

But if you didn't know this about me...I'm kind of lazy and procrastinatey.


So last week sometime (or maybe the week before...I don't know. Like I said, I'm lazy!) my older sister posted on her Facebook this message:

"Thanks to my sister I have read some amazing books in my life. Thanks Manna!!"

See...someone on her Facebook page asked if anyone had read The Memoirs of Cleopatra. I read it back in 2006 and made my older sister read it in 2009. She was so excited someone was asking about it. 

This led her to start looking through her Goodreads list and she realized that because of me (and me bringing her into my "back home" book group) she had read some really amazing books that she would never have read if not for me.

My family members tend to find a genre and stay there. My mother and older sister both read a lot of horror and science fiction/fantasy stuff. Whereas, I'm ALL OVER the map (working for Barnes & Noble for a million years made me that way!).

My older sister looking at her Goodreads and talking about all these amazing books made me start examining the books I have been reading lately. And I'm sad to say...I've been reading a lot of crap!

Not that the stuff I've been reading wasn't good...it's just stuff that I consider "fluff." Fun...but not really substantial you know??

Don't get me wrong now...I love me some fluff. But I am the type of person that likes some heavy thrown in with all that popcorn. 

Let's look at what I've been reading. 

I read all the books by Emily Giffin. These include:

So, obviously I went through a chick lit phase. No problem. They were fun books, though the cheating and unhappiness within relationships got a little old by the end.

I also read the Hunger Games series  by Suzanne Collins which I thoroughly enjoyed. But they are young adult books, so not so much on the heavy, intellectual side. 

At the end of last year and beginning of this year, I was reading The Immortals series by Alyson Noel. These books were cute. They offered something a little different than the whole vampire thing. But again, young adult books that didn't have anything really deep to them. 

A friend of mine bought me the book Peeps by Scott Westerfeld. This book was half vampire story and half biology/parasite lesson. Another great twist to the idea of vampirism but yet another young adult book that didn't really fire many synapses (though it did have a pretty awesome "ewwwww" factor as far as all the parasite talk went).

In the midst of all this, I did read a book on M. Night Shyamalan called The Man Who Heard Voices that was an interesting account of the making of Lady in the Water (a movie that I absolutely adore). It was a very good book. But you have to really like the guy I guess. He is passionate about what he does and it's evident in this book.

I also read Stone of Tears and  Blood of the Fold (the second and third books in the Sword of Truth series) by Terry Goodkind. To me, these are fluff because they are fantasy. But The Hubble feels they are substantial because they have heavy philosophical and religious undertones that get the reader thinking. I can definitely see his point. But it's not the "classics" you know?? 

Oh yeah. The last book I read was Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. Don't even get me started on that book. It made me mad. It was slow and full of unnecessary and pointless dialogue. It was definitely not the man's best and for sure not the 'rom dram' I was looking for at the time. 

So...all of this to say that I'm disappointed in myself. I need to get some good stuff in here. I want to read amazing books again. I want to read books that leave me reeling and confused. I want a book that inspires emotion and feeling. I want a book that inspires me. 

Right now, I'm doing a 'buddy read' with Kaitlin and another friend of mine. We are reading Lady Chatterly's Lover by D.H. Lawrence. Though this is a 'classic' I'm not sure it's the type of book of which I'm searching. 

So...have you read anything great lately???

Oh! And are you on Goodreads?? If not, you should be! It helps you keep track of the books you are reading and/or have read. If you are on there, look me up and be my Goodreads friend. You can find me HERE.