I'm Sick and Tired

Of being sick and tired.

I feel like my motivation to do anything for me is completely gone lately.

I seriously don't know what my problem is.

I have this HUGE mental block right now and I'm fighting so hard to move past it.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and paranoia where my father is concerned.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I can't figure out how to right myself again.

Where is this toxicity coming from? Have I lost my SELF again? If so, where? Why?

I feel tired. All the time.

I don't want to clean. I don't want to bake. I don't want to blog. I don't want to do anything really.

I signed up for personal training sessions recently. I had a mini session on Saturday with her. I said the word "can't" through the entire thing. I can't do that. I can't do that. Are you crazy? I can't do that?

The only thing I have going for me is that even though I said "I can't," I did it anyway.

I feel as though I'm floating along, looking for solid ground. Reaching out for something to keep me grounded. Something to hold onto. Something to keep me from floating away. From drowning.

I can't find my spark. My fire. My passion.

I feel numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I just went back through this and highlighted all the times I used the word "feel." I guess that's a reminder that I do FEEL. I just don't like the things I'm feeling?

Death! {Project 365: Day 43}

The Hubble...he's pretty cheap.

Well, HE would say that he's a minimalist. I say he's cheap.

Either way you look at it, he tends to fight me on large purchases. I mean, we all know about Bill and Peggy right???

Over the years, I have learned not to fight him on certain things. I definitely pick my battles.

So I have not really said anything about him playing on an old school, original XBox. No big deal right??

Well, within the last year, the XBox 360 has come out with the Kinect. Well I think that sucker is cool!!!

So I went back and forth, back and forth about the idea of getting an XBox 360 with Kinect. 

But you see...The Hubble is cheap! So I was worried about what he would say.

I ended up telling him I was thinking about getting one for the family for Christmas. He actually told me that I'm in charge of the money while he's gone and he trusts my judgement. 

To me, that says GO!!! LOL!!

I did some more thinking on it and finally decided to bite the bullet and get one. 

Well, dear friends. The XBox and I had 2 good months together. 

We sat down to watch a movie yesterday, we put the DVD into the XBox, it played for about a minute, then it froze.

So we reset it. When we turned it back on, this is what we saw:

You see that little light in the center of the silver button?? That light is supposed to be green. It looks amber in the picture but trust me when I tell you it is a menacing red color.

I'm totally annoyed. I've been told I need to call Microsoft and send it in for repairs.

Have I mentioned I'm annoyed???

This is why I should never buy things. Electronics hate me.

I blame Fred.

Oh Christmas Tree {Project 365 Days 41 and 42}

So weekends seem to be a problem for me. 

I tend to stay up far too late doing things that I don't end up having time to blog. 

Lately, Baby N has been pretty obsessed with the Christmas tree.

Okay....let's stop right here shall we??

Yes....

I said Christmas tree.

NO....I have NOT taken it down yet. 

NOR do I have any intention of doing so any time soon.

Call it laziness if you want to. 

But I happen to like the thing and I'm just not interested in taking down any of my Christmas decorations.

Okay. Now that all that is out of the way...

Baby N has been obsessed with the Christmas tree.

He will roll right under it and grab at the branches. I go move him away from the tree. He rolls right back and grabs at the branches.

Yesterday, I decided to finally snap a photo of him going after the tree.

He's like a freaking cat on catnip. He just can't leave the dang thing alone.

Today, I had a bra party. It was all about the boobs baby!!

I love these bras and even went so far as to make....

CUPcakes. Get it?? "Cup" cakes. I thought it was pretty funny. And they were really good.

Anyway. My friend Kellie sells Essential Bodywear and I'm head over heels. I've lost about 17 pounds now so my other bras are too big. Time for new ones!

If you love Essential Bodywear as well, head over to Kellie's site and place an order!

Okay, enough about breasteses...Let's move on to the kids.

I have a question for the moms out there. Since when did they decide that 6 months was time for sippy cups???

When Baby N went for his 6 month check up, the Doc told me I should start him on the sippy. Crazy!!

But whatever...

He likes to put it in his mouth, bite down real hard with his gums, and yank it out. I guess if he likes it...It's till weird to me.

And now, the drama queen.

She's a piece of work man. She totally posed for this picture. She's odd.

OH! I went to spin on Saturday!! I loved it!

My Older Sister couldn't go with me but I was determined so I went to the spin class at the Y for the first time, by myself. That is unheard of for me! I'm so proud of myself. I'm so glad I went. It was amazing!

Okay. That is all.

Pictures of You {Project 365: Day 40}

Today was one of those days where I didn't really pick up the camera.

I took a couple snapshots from my phone. Like this one...

I didn't think I would be using this one as my picture today since he's all blurry. But that's because he was moving around like usual and I couldn't get him to hold still. Oh well.

Today was a chilly day. I love days like that.

What did I do today?? I baked a cake.

It's a Boston Cream Pie. It was pretty tasty.

I also sat and read a lot today.

You see...today was book group. And I hadn't finished the book.

I stayed up until about 1am last night reading then had to read a bunch today to get it done.

I literally finished the book, closed it, put the finishing touches on the cake, then we ran out the door.

And we were only 10 minutes late!

I say "we" because my mom goes to book group with us. Though I think she's starting to get bored with going because she hasn't had time to read the last few books.

Baby N went with us this time too. He was kind of the center of attention. But he loves that kind of thing.

As I was at my book group, Little Butt was playing over at my mom's house. Her and her little cousin love to play together.

My Baby Sis snapped this picture of Little Butt.

If you know her, you will know that this is not odd behavior for her.

I'm glad she had a good time.

Our book was REALLY good. We read The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom. It was pretty easy to focus on the book at the end and not want to put it down. It was a good page turner the whole way through actually.

So now, the kids are in bed, the dishes are done, and it's time for this mama to hit the hay!!

And I Miss You {Project 365: Day 39}

I know, I know. I said I would catch up with my last post.

But I wanted today to be a solo post.

Because I actually wanted to write something and didn't want it all wrapped up in a catch up post.

We took Baby N to his 6 month well baby check up. He is now 17 pounds 12 ounces (55th percentile) and 28.5 inches (99th percentile). So his weight is evening out but he grew THREE INCHES in the last 2 months. Crazy!!

He's getting so big!

I can't stop thinking about how much The Hubble is missing right now.

Baby N is starting to get up on his hands and knees and launch himself forward.

He's been rolling all over the place and is growing like crazy.

I know he's going to be crawling soon.

And The Hubble is missing it.

Baby N babbles ALL.THE.TIME. And The Hubble can't hear him.

Not only that, but Little Butt is so smart and learning so much in school!

She can already count to 30. She recognizes numbers 0-9 when they are written. She knows all the upper case letters, 25 of the lower case letters (she confuses d with b), and knows the sounds of 25 letters (gets confused with i).

She has so many questions. So many interest.

And The Hubble is missing it.

Not only that, but we are missing him...

I had a hard day yesterday. Knowing that Baby N is already half a year old and he doesn't even know who his Daddy is.

Little Butt has been missing him like crazy lately.

I picked her up from school a week or so ago and found out she had been pretty emotional that day and ended up crying because she missed her daddy.

She sat in my lap and cried last night because she misses her daddy.

And today...today she carried around a picture of the two of them. Literally, she took it everywhere with her.

She took it to the doctor's office with her this morning.

She took it to school with her this afternoon.

I had placed it in a pocket of her backpack when she went to school but when I picked her up, it was in her hand and she was showing people.

She's so sweet.

He has not been living with us for almost 9 months now but we aren't even close to being done. Technically, we are still at the beginning.

I feel as though the ache...the emptiness...keeps growing each and every day.

There are only so many things that I can add to our schedules to keep us busy enough not to notice.

But we do notice.

We notice when he isn't at birthday parties that Little Butt is invited to.

We notice when he isn't shopping for furniture or Valentine's Day cards with us.

We notice when we go to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, or to pick out Little Butt's star prize at the end of the week.

We notice.

The void is impossible NOT to notice.

He called on Sunday. We really needed that call. But we missed it...

And we noticed...

Phase 2 {Project 365 Days 31 - 38}

Here I am with Phase 2 of our catch up!! LOL!!

I'm hoping that I won't be doing too many more of these catch up posts...but who knows really. I mean, I'm barely 30 days in and don't have a very good track record so far.

I'm trying. I'll get better.

So let's get going.

Day 31:

Little Butt enjoys artistic endeavors. She really enjoys coloring, drawing, and playing with her play-doh set.

I try to take candid pictures of her while she's doing her different activities...

But the girl is such a camera hog that she senses whenever there is one pointed at her. She almost always poses.

But I try to get her to go back to what she's doing. That face right there...that's her daddy's smirk!

Day 32:

I'm not really sure what to say about this...other than...

My Baby Sis really likes to put things on Baby N's head. He's not quite sure what to make of it either.

Later that day, I was trying to get a picture of Baby N getting up on his hands and knees. And oh look!! Who should arrive??? The camera hog of course!!

She's so weird. But so is he really...They get that from their father. I swear!

Day 33:

Another example of my abnormal daughter??

She will lay there and let her brother kick her.

She even laughs about it. There's something wrong with this kid.

Day 34:

Baby N got a bunch of new toys for Christmas and he is finally starting to appreciate them.

One of them is this sea turtle. The sea turtle loves Baby N.

Baby N likes the sea turtle okay but thinks he's a bit needy.

Baby N often leaves the poor sea turtle on his own...

And finds other friends to play with. Cue sad sea turtle music please!

Day 35:

Now, let's look at a day in the life of Baby N.

His day starts off a bit frustrating. His servants don't know how to handle him and struggle to help him into his clothing.

He says "to Hell with the pants minion! Get me a bottle!"

When things don't go as planned AGAIN he gets frustrated.

He picks himself up and tries to storm away.

But he is thwarted! Gravity has gotten the best of him!

He tries to pick up himself and his very last ounce of dignity after the day he's had.

But alas, his attempts are futile and he can only hang his head in shame.

Luckily, his court jesters are always there to make him feel better.

Day 36:

You may think I'm a mean mommy but sometimes I get tired of sweeping up the crumbs Little Butt drops during meal times.

So this time, I made her clean her own dang mess!

Day 37:

Have I mentioned how much Little Butt ADORES her baby brother???

She spends a lot of time playing with him and loving on him. It's really sweet.

Day 38:

Yesterday, Baby N turned 6 months old. I can't believe it's been that long already!

He's decided he's had enough though and ignores me when I call to him.

He gets totally annoyed with me.

And that's it for phase 2! I'm happy to be caught up! Woohoo!!!

Phase 1 {Project 365: Days 22 - 30}

Oh goodness. Here I am playing catch up yet again. 

I have definitely been taking pictures each day, it's just a matter of sitting down to upload the pictures, edit them, transfer them to blogger, then blog about them. Blah.

I don't want to completely overwhelm you...or myself...so I'm doing my catch up in two phases. 

I'm going to finish out January with this post, then work on February on the next post. Please don't ask me how I lose track so quickly. 

I mean seriously, how has is already been 3 weeks since I posted last. Grrrrrrr. I make myself so angry!

Anyway. 

Day 22:

The day after our pizza party, Little Butt begged me to take her to get her hair cut.

She was such a good girl while getting her hair cut. She wanted to go a lot shorter than I did!!

Day 23:

And of course, me being me, I forgot to take a final picture of her hair until the next day.

She loves her hair and I think it's super cute too. It's just hair and it will grow back. No big.

Day 24:

Little Butt absolutely adores her brother. She never really leaves him alone.

Unless there is a camera around. Then she likes to make crazy faces and be the center of attention. Her brother and I pretty much look at her like she's crazy.

I'm not really sure she realizes what a nutbag she really is...

But we love her anyway. Somebody has to...LOL!

Day 25:

Sometimes, when I go to get Baby N up from nap he is just there messing around.

He thinks he's as cute as his sister.

I definitely melt for his crooked, toothless grin!

Day 26:

Lately, Baby N has become obsessed with one thing...

His feet! He can't keep his hands off of them. Then they need to be shoved into his mouth!

Day 27:

My dear friend Monica invited me to a Stuff Your Pie Hole party.

(Monica snapped this picture while teetering dangerously from a chair above the table)

Basically, it was a pie themed party. I took a deep dish apple pie with cheddar crust and a BBQ pork shepherd's pie. All the pie was amazing!

My JerBear (Pawpaw) chowed down on all the pie. But he wouldn't share with Baby N. Get some teeth kid!

Day 28:

Somehow...the kids woke up after that pie party...

And still wanted breakfast!!!

Weird!!!

Day 29:

Little Butt really is a social butterfly.

She loves it when her friends come over to play.

Day 30:

Here in Austin, we have a place called China Town. Every year, they celebrate the Chinese New Year.

This year, Little Butt and Baby N got to go. I wasn't there because I had a Bridal Expo to talk to brides about the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge. But My mom, My JerBear, and My Older Sister took the kiddos. My Older Sister snapped this picture on her iPhone. I didn't get to take a picture that day. Am I full of fail?? Nah! I'm going to count it since my kid was in the pic! LOL!!!

So that's a wrap for January!! I hope you guys are enjoying the ride so far!

Pizza! Pizza! {Project 365: Day 21}

Today was a good day.

It started off pretty chill. My mom came over and we had our shakes for breakfast. I had my Vanilla Latte shake...again. Yes, I know I'm obsessed. It's a real problem. Today I made my mom the birthday cake shake. Seriously, it tasted like I was drinking chocolate cake with frosting! It's amazing that I feel like I'm cheating but I'm really being healthy. Win!!

Anyway. After we had breakfast, Little Butt went to play at my mom's house while her and I took Baby N shopping. We went to Best Buy first, but didn't find what we were looking for. We then went to the fabric store to get her some new fabric to redo her kitchen table chairs. After that, a pit stop into Ross. I ended up finding a really awesome picture and a really pretty elephant for my bedroom!! Maybe I'll take a picture of the elephant tomorrow. She's really pretty. :-)

We came home and had some lunch then my Older Sister and I took the kids to the Y for the Yoga class this afternoon.

Now, I LOVE Yoga. It's crazy. I feel so inspired whenever I practice. It's really hard to explain in words, but my body feels so alive, and tingly, and connected. I feel like my body and soul sing whenever I practice Yoga. I've actually been toying with the idea of getting my certification to become a Yoga instructor. But I need to get fit again first.

Anyway. So this was my very first class today! I've done DVD's but never went to an actual class. I loved it!! I can already tell that I'm getting so much better at it! Every time I do it, I notice how much I've improved. My Older Sister loved it as well!

This was also the first time I've ever left the baby with a stranger. Crazy right?? 

Anyway, the girl in the child care center said he was super good and that I can bring him back any time!! She really liked him. LOL! He is a really good baby. I got lucky...twice! It's unheard of! But I think I'll pay in the teen year.

After the Y we came home and the kids made pizzas with my Baby Sis. 

They pressed out their own dough.

Spread on their own sauce.

And added their own toppings!!

When they weren't busy eating them of course!!

Aren't their pizzas pretty?!?! Little Butt's is on the left.

They had a really great time and thoroughly enjoyed the results. Thanks for the pizza party Baby Sis!!! The pizza you made for us was dang good too!!