Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Love, Love, Love

April 2007

(First off...you have to sing the title of this post. You know...The Beatles?? Hello!)

(Secondly...sorry this post is so long. But when you're pouring out your heart...that tends to happen)

Today I want to talk about love.

I know...I'm late on the love train...but whatever.

I can talk about love any ol' time I want. It doesn't have to be on one specific day...but let's not get me started about that.

I want to talk about how sometimes, love doesn't come as easily as you think it should.

I'm not going to talk about The Hubble actually. Even though we had a VERY rough first year and loving each other was pretty difficult at first.

No. I want to talk about something that a lot of people won't talk about.

What happens when you don't love your child right away??

Let me back up a bit.

The Hubble and I got married in 2002. He commissioned in the Army in 2003 then went to Officer Basic Course (OBC). After he got back, we moved to Upstate NY.

The Hubble and I were both young when we had a lot put on our plates. I was 17 years old when I had to play mom to 3 small children. And he was the oldest with pretty restrictive parents.

So when we got to NY it was game on.

We found freedom.

We grew as individuals.

We grew as a couple.

We would go clubbing in Rochester (an hour and a half away from home) on the weekends.

We would take long weekends in Boston or NYC.

We were having the time of our lives.

Then The Hubble deployed in early 2006.

He ended up being sent home early (after only 4 months) to take on Rear Detachment (unfortunately, the Rear-D Commander's hubby was killed in Iraq. So naturally, she couldn't do that job anymore).

When The Hubble was gone, I decided to get healthy. I was eating right. I was exercising. I was going to the doctor.

See...we had been married for 4 1/2 years by the time he got back, hadn't been on birth control since before we got married and we hadn't gotten pregnant. So I was having tests done to see if I even could get pregnant.

I had an appointment to get blood work done and see a specialist on Tuesday morning at 11:00am.

The Saturday before, The Hubble and I were talking about it. I told him that if we found out I had the option of getting pregnant, I wanted to go on birth control to try to prevent it. He agreed. We were living our lives and we were really happy doing so.

We went out to Rochester to our favorite club that night and had a blast over the weekend.

Monday morning, I went to my manager's meeting and was talking to some friends afterward. I told them I was waiting for my girlie time to start. I'd been feeling crampy but it just wouldn't come. A friend of mine told me that's the beginning signs of pregnancy.

I blew her off.

I was working the split shift that day so I went home and did my thing. I was about to do my workout before I got ready to go back to work to close and I decided "what the Hell" and I peed on a stick and walked away.

After I got dressed for my workout I walked back in the bathroom, picked up the stick, said "FUCK!" and immediately started crying.

This was not what we wanted!

How could it be positive???

The next 9 months were really hard for me.

See...I don't have the best memories of childhood. Actually, I don't have any at all. But what I do have made me very scared to have a child.

There was no way I would succeed. I would screw up the kid. I would make the kid hate me. This would not end well.

I wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy.

I wouldn't talk about it. I wouldn't really acknowledge it. I didn't read about it. I didn't go to classes. I asked the doctor if they could knock me out and just take it out when it was time because I didn't want anything to do with it.

I put on a happy face for the outside world, but inside I was having dreams (literally) of abandoning the child to be raised by someone who would do a better job than me.

But, I figured this was my mess and I had to deal with it. So that's what I did. I just struggled to make it through the pregnancy.

Then I had her.

Most people, when they first have a child, want to do nothing but hold and cuddle the baby. I didn't want to hold her.

In fact, people who visited thought they shouldn't ask to hold her because they didn't want to take that time for me. I made them hold her.

It wasn't until a few days later...Little Butt was in the bassinet sleeping. I turned to my mom-in-law and asked if I could hold her. Or maybe I shouldn't wake her up?? I didn't know what to do but I was filled with an overwhelming need to hold my baby.

My mom-in-law put her in my arms. I looked down into her tiny face and I said "I can do this."

The first couple years were tough. We moved away from my job and my friends in Syracuse to be closer to post. We now lived an hour and a half away from everyone and everything I knew to a town so little we couldn't even get pizza delivered out there.

The Hubble took command of a Company and he was never home. So Little Butt and I were on our own.

Then we moved to Texas and The Hubble deployed. Little Butt and I were still on our own.

We are figuring things out together...one day at a time.

There is no one in this world that I love more than I love that little girl. She is my entire world.

She is awesome and amazes me every single day.

And because she is so awesome...The Hubble and I decided several months ago to go off birth control and see what would happen. We weren't trying, but we weren't trying not to get pregnant.

And here we are. I'm 13 weeks pregnant.

This time is so different. I know I can do this.

I also know that I have my partner in crime, my beautiful Little Butt.

She inspires me constantly. With her by my side I know we can conquer the world.

Or, at least, she will conquer the world and I will be standing in her corner.

And I know that my little family can make Baby N just as awesome.

I mean, with a big sister like Little Butt, how can anything go wrong??

January 2011 (she's making the 'metal' sign, btw)
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