I'm Sick and Tired

Of being sick and tired.

I feel like my motivation to do anything for me is completely gone lately.

I seriously don't know what my problem is.

I have this HUGE mental block right now and I'm fighting so hard to move past it.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and paranoia where my father is concerned.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I can't figure out how to right myself again.

Where is this toxicity coming from? Have I lost my SELF again? If so, where? Why?

I feel tired. All the time.

I don't want to clean. I don't want to bake. I don't want to blog. I don't want to do anything really.

I signed up for personal training sessions recently. I had a mini session on Saturday with her. I said the word "can't" through the entire thing. I can't do that. I can't do that. Are you crazy? I can't do that?

The only thing I have going for me is that even though I said "I can't," I did it anyway.

I feel as though I'm floating along, looking for solid ground. Reaching out for something to keep me grounded. Something to hold onto. Something to keep me from floating away. From drowning.

I can't find my spark. My fire. My passion.

I feel numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I just went back through this and highlighted all the times I used the word "feel." I guess that's a reminder that I do FEEL. I just don't like the things I'm feeling?

Death! {Project 365: Day 43}

The Hubble...he's pretty cheap.

Well, HE would say that he's a minimalist. I say he's cheap.

Either way you look at it, he tends to fight me on large purchases. I mean, we all know about Bill and Peggy right???

Over the years, I have learned not to fight him on certain things. I definitely pick my battles.

So I have not really said anything about him playing on an old school, original XBox. No big deal right??

Well, within the last year, the XBox 360 has come out with the Kinect. Well I think that sucker is cool!!!

So I went back and forth, back and forth about the idea of getting an XBox 360 with Kinect. 

But you see...The Hubble is cheap! So I was worried about what he would say.

I ended up telling him I was thinking about getting one for the family for Christmas. He actually told me that I'm in charge of the money while he's gone and he trusts my judgement. 

To me, that says GO!!! LOL!!

I did some more thinking on it and finally decided to bite the bullet and get one. 

Well, dear friends. The XBox and I had 2 good months together. 

We sat down to watch a movie yesterday, we put the DVD into the XBox, it played for about a minute, then it froze.

So we reset it. When we turned it back on, this is what we saw:

You see that little light in the center of the silver button?? That light is supposed to be green. It looks amber in the picture but trust me when I tell you it is a menacing red color.

I'm totally annoyed. I've been told I need to call Microsoft and send it in for repairs.

Have I mentioned I'm annoyed???

This is why I should never buy things. Electronics hate me.

I blame Fred.

Oh Christmas Tree {Project 365 Days 41 and 42}

So weekends seem to be a problem for me. 

I tend to stay up far too late doing things that I don't end up having time to blog. 

Lately, Baby N has been pretty obsessed with the Christmas tree.

Okay....let's stop right here shall we??

Yes....

I said Christmas tree.

NO....I have NOT taken it down yet. 

NOR do I have any intention of doing so any time soon.

Call it laziness if you want to. 

But I happen to like the thing and I'm just not interested in taking down any of my Christmas decorations.

Okay. Now that all that is out of the way...

Baby N has been obsessed with the Christmas tree.

He will roll right under it and grab at the branches. I go move him away from the tree. He rolls right back and grabs at the branches.

Yesterday, I decided to finally snap a photo of him going after the tree.

He's like a freaking cat on catnip. He just can't leave the dang thing alone.

Today, I had a bra party. It was all about the boobs baby!!

I love these bras and even went so far as to make....

CUPcakes. Get it?? "Cup" cakes. I thought it was pretty funny. And they were really good.

Anyway. My friend Kellie sells Essential Bodywear and I'm head over heels. I've lost about 17 pounds now so my other bras are too big. Time for new ones!

If you love Essential Bodywear as well, head over to Kellie's site and place an order!

Okay, enough about breasteses...Let's move on to the kids.

I have a question for the moms out there. Since when did they decide that 6 months was time for sippy cups???

When Baby N went for his 6 month check up, the Doc told me I should start him on the sippy. Crazy!!

But whatever...

He likes to put it in his mouth, bite down real hard with his gums, and yank it out. I guess if he likes it...It's till weird to me.

And now, the drama queen.

She's a piece of work man. She totally posed for this picture. She's odd.

OH! I went to spin on Saturday!! I loved it!

My Older Sister couldn't go with me but I was determined so I went to the spin class at the Y for the first time, by myself. That is unheard of for me! I'm so proud of myself. I'm so glad I went. It was amazing!

Okay. That is all.

Pictures of You {Project 365: Day 40}

Today was one of those days where I didn't really pick up the camera.

I took a couple snapshots from my phone. Like this one...

I didn't think I would be using this one as my picture today since he's all blurry. But that's because he was moving around like usual and I couldn't get him to hold still. Oh well.

Today was a chilly day. I love days like that.

What did I do today?? I baked a cake.

It's a Boston Cream Pie. It was pretty tasty.

I also sat and read a lot today.

You see...today was book group. And I hadn't finished the book.

I stayed up until about 1am last night reading then had to read a bunch today to get it done.

I literally finished the book, closed it, put the finishing touches on the cake, then we ran out the door.

And we were only 10 minutes late!

I say "we" because my mom goes to book group with us. Though I think she's starting to get bored with going because she hasn't had time to read the last few books.

Baby N went with us this time too. He was kind of the center of attention. But he loves that kind of thing.

As I was at my book group, Little Butt was playing over at my mom's house. Her and her little cousin love to play together.

My Baby Sis snapped this picture of Little Butt.

If you know her, you will know that this is not odd behavior for her.

I'm glad she had a good time.

Our book was REALLY good. We read The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom. It was pretty easy to focus on the book at the end and not want to put it down. It was a good page turner the whole way through actually.

So now, the kids are in bed, the dishes are done, and it's time for this mama to hit the hay!!

And I Miss You {Project 365: Day 39}

I know, I know. I said I would catch up with my last post.

But I wanted today to be a solo post.

Because I actually wanted to write something and didn't want it all wrapped up in a catch up post.

We took Baby N to his 6 month well baby check up. He is now 17 pounds 12 ounces (55th percentile) and 28.5 inches (99th percentile). So his weight is evening out but he grew THREE INCHES in the last 2 months. Crazy!!

He's getting so big!

I can't stop thinking about how much The Hubble is missing right now.

Baby N is starting to get up on his hands and knees and launch himself forward.

He's been rolling all over the place and is growing like crazy.

I know he's going to be crawling soon.

And The Hubble is missing it.

Baby N babbles ALL.THE.TIME. And The Hubble can't hear him.

Not only that, but Little Butt is so smart and learning so much in school!

She can already count to 30. She recognizes numbers 0-9 when they are written. She knows all the upper case letters, 25 of the lower case letters (she confuses d with b), and knows the sounds of 25 letters (gets confused with i).

She has so many questions. So many interest.

And The Hubble is missing it.

Not only that, but we are missing him...

I had a hard day yesterday. Knowing that Baby N is already half a year old and he doesn't even know who his Daddy is.

Little Butt has been missing him like crazy lately.

I picked her up from school a week or so ago and found out she had been pretty emotional that day and ended up crying because she missed her daddy.

She sat in my lap and cried last night because she misses her daddy.

And today...today she carried around a picture of the two of them. Literally, she took it everywhere with her.

She took it to the doctor's office with her this morning.

She took it to school with her this afternoon.

I had placed it in a pocket of her backpack when she went to school but when I picked her up, it was in her hand and she was showing people.

She's so sweet.

He has not been living with us for almost 9 months now but we aren't even close to being done. Technically, we are still at the beginning.

I feel as though the ache...the emptiness...keeps growing each and every day.

There are only so many things that I can add to our schedules to keep us busy enough not to notice.

But we do notice.

We notice when he isn't at birthday parties that Little Butt is invited to.

We notice when he isn't shopping for furniture or Valentine's Day cards with us.

We notice when we go to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, or to pick out Little Butt's star prize at the end of the week.

We notice.

The void is impossible NOT to notice.

He called on Sunday. We really needed that call. But we missed it...

And we noticed...